Here’s the first paragraph of an unsolicited email I received:
“I was checking your website on behalf this email (email@example.com) and see you have a good design and it looks great, but it’s not ranking on Google and other major search engine. I’m a SEO Expert and I helped over 250 businesses rank on the (1st Page on Google). My rates are very affordable and I do great work.”
The fellow’s purpose was to obtain my business. Writing about how he came across my email address focused on him and did not serve that interest. Writers should keep themselves out of the story and stick to their objectives.
Other problems: 1. On behalf this email is ungrammatical and senseless and should be scrapped. 2. The author should not assume that I know the meaning of “SEO Expert.” 3. “Very” should not be used to reinforce another word. Instead, choose a word that doesn’t need reinforcement.
Here’s the same paragraph, much improved:
Your website (arichards-editor.com) has a good design, and it looks great. But it’s not ranked on Google and other major search engines. I am expert at optimizing search engines and have helped over 250 businesses rank high on Google. My rates are affordable, and I do great work.
Archie Richards, Writing Counseling and Editor, can promote the good parts of your writing and delete the bad, improving your sales efforts.